words you can chew

i just sung to you, even if you weren’t listening. it was hard, at first, to let go of all my distractions and and my creative inhibitions so that i could speak the music like a language. i’m glad i did, though. i went up one step of an infinite stairway, and you helped me. maybe i’ll sing it you someday. the truth. but i am ashamed, a bit. love is only love, but i am still ashamed that i lied. to you, and to myself.

but for the most part, i probably have no idea what i’m talking about. no one ever does. so don’t take it seriously; take it as it is.

listening to the earth creak, i could forget how to breathe. that music, so subtle. the lives, all notes of their own.

earth sighs; she knows that she’s the reason i grieve; and then the lives strike a chord in a minor key.

(via amandaisreallycool)

I FEEL YOU.

‘sup, amandaisreallycool. you seem cool. mostly because i already know you…

cars speed. i’ve smelt flowers. i’ve tasted the cold crop of the autumn soil. i’ve felt pain.

and now i’ve run out of senses. all i can say now is that i’ve been. i’ve existed.

is that saying much?

i’ll take a tutor.

i’ll take counseling.

but i won’t take medication. is it not a contradiction of existence? how can one not have faith in himself?

well, no matter. i have faith in myself. i have faith in humans. i must not dismiss a person for their ignorance in one moment. i cannot dismiss my abilities because of my lack of understanding for one instant. and i can’t dismiss my sanity, of all things. all i need do is sit outside. listen to the wind. feel its fingers in my hair, like a lover. feel my heart beating in my skin, feel… just feel. no need to think, no need for language in my head. only emotions.

well, in that moment, i can be assured of my real status: human, like everyone else. i just want to never forget that. i promise you all that i will do my best to please the ones around that don’t understand [i know that for those close to me, my existence is enough. and yours pleases me]. i will try and try and try to fit in these mindless tasks. but know that i will never become mindless. i’m not going to forget my emotions. i will not put them all aside for these tasks. i know that the tasks will absorb more feeling and more time as time goes on, but this is why i want to make this task the exact action of feeling: and that’s called music.

i know it can save me. i don’t need medication, and i won’t give up feeling for a grade. and that’s that.

[i vented. thank you, if you read it all the way through.]

under my clothes, i’m naked: under an image, one that i don’t deny. but i’m silly to feel uneasiness when i feel naked. i feel like people notice, sometimes. but no one ever took notice.

i can guarantee you that nothing in this world: no event in the past, no situation that you are in, no person; none of these things have the right to take away your artistry.

if you can find something that absorbs every last ounce of your attention, and all of your emotions: something that absolves your conscious perception of time, that erases all limits of desire and perfects your body as a willing conduit of thought: then trust me, things will not only get better, they will be better. all in that moment, all in that sphere of exclusion that separates you from social expectation. and no moments may ever matter to everyone, but some moments will matter to some people, and all moments will matter to you.

so don’t lose hope, not now.